You are not your stories (and also, yes, you are)

We all have stories we tell ourselves. We may not even realize we are telling ourselves these stories until we step back and take a look.

I can’t work for myself — I don’t have what it takes. I could never date a guy like that, I’m just not confident enough. I can’t be an artist, I’ll never make enough money.

These stories are often rooted in childhood. If you think back and examine a story you have, when did you first learn that story? Can you even remember? We pick up stories easily from our parents. Stories like, You’re not good enough unless you are a doctor, lawyer, astronaut. Stories like, You shouldn’t bother pursuing your art, it will never amount to anything. Stories like, You need to get married and have kids by 30 (or else?).

Some stories we pick up along the journey of life. We may pick them up from society based on what is considered “approved” by the majority.

Some stories we make up entirely on our own. I must be a loser since I haven’t had a boyfriend in a year.

We have so many stories inside of us, we may not even be aware of them all, where they came from, and how they affect our life.

Imagine if one of my stories is I’m nothing unless I’m a doctor or lawyer. How is that affecting my career? What if I don’t want to be a doctor or lawyer? Chances are, if I truly believe this story, I haven’t even considered other options.

Along the same lines, if one of my stories is I’m not lovable or I’m a loser at dating, how will I show up in the dating world? It’s likely that I won’t even try. Or I’ll look for ways that confirm my loser-dom. Or, I’ll end up sabotaging potential relationships because I always have this story playing in the back of my mind.

As you perhaps can tell, many of these stories are the shiny colorful wrapping paper masking the deeper, darker “I am not good enough” message. Rest assured, we all have had some version of that message playing at some time or another in our lives.

It’s important to realize that these stories are in fact stories; in other words, they are not real. So we can separate ourselves from these stories, once we realize what they really are. We can question their existence and their purpose in our lives. We can ask ourselves: Is this story the truth? And, if not, what is the truth?

Yes, it’s true: Our stories define us. But, the good news is, we can choose which stories define us. If the one we are currently playing out in our lives is not helping us in any way, we can change it and create a new story.

I am a dating loser becomes I am magnet for love and am attracting the right people.

I am only good enough if I’m a doctor or lawyer becomes I am good enough, no matter my profession or I choose to pursue the profession that lights me up, and that is good enough. What stories are you playing out in your life? How can you change your stories to better support you?

Self-belief

“Whether you believe you can or you can’t, you’re right.”

Others can think highly or lowly of you. People can put you on a pedestal or put you down. People can love you or hate you. People can believe you or not believe you.

Why does it affect you? Why should it?

It doesn’t need to. And if you have a strong sense of belief in yourself, then, instead of it being a debilitating knife to the chest, it can be like a tiny pin prick in your side, and then eventually, nothing. You can actually get to the point where it does not faze you.

Why? Because of self-belief. This is not the same as self-esteem: how you think of yourself. Self-belief is the degree of how much you believe in yourself. And it’s not just confidence, but really trust and belief in yourself, your abilities, your purpose, your truth.

You’ll know it when you feel it. It feels like integrity. It feels like authenticity. It feels like hope. It feels like peace.

It’s not only attainable, you already have it. Maybe it’s covered up by others’ expectations or shrouded in social proof. Maybe you’ve lost track of it, or don’t know what it looks like anymore. In that case, you can uncover it.

Here are 5 steps to strengthen your self-belief.

1. Realize what’s not true. Your mom said you’d never be smart enough to be a doctor. Your ex boyfriend said you were ugly. Why would any of these outward statements be your truth?
2. Realize your highest truth. Who are you at your highest potential? Not a doctor, lawyer, supermodel, millionaire. Who are you on the inside? What values do you hold dear?
3. Realize that you are already that person you just described. You may be wearing cloaks put upon you by others (see #1), but they are nothing but removable blankets. Just take them off. Put them away.
4. If you feel someone trying to put another cloak on you, run away. Just kidding. That’s not always an option. But you can always say “no thank you,” even if in your head.
5. You can remove cloaks at any time. Now. Later. It’s your choice. What best serves you?

Why Changing your Beliefs Matters More than Setting Resolutions

Achieving your New Year’s resolutions require a lot of discipline. It seems like hard work. Sometimes it seems insurmountable. So insurmountable that you may not even bother to set them anymore. Or you set them, and fail. Continuously fail.

Most of us don’t like to set ourselves up for failure. Most of also don’t expect to fail or even understand why we do. Yes, of course, we want to lose weight. This will be the year that we finally gather the willpower to do that. That’s all it is, right, willpower?

And yes, we’re taught that goals should be SMART, and we should make a plan and track our progress, and break it down to little tiny baby steps. But that often becomes overwhelming.

Consider this question: What is really behind your drive to lose weight [or get a new job, or enter a relationship]? What is it you really want?

In order to find the essence of what you’re really after, ask yourself “why” questions.

For example:

I want to lose weight

Why?

I want to look better in my clothes

Why?

I feel better about my body

[or I want to attract a mate, or I want to be fit…]

Answering a series of “whys” could lead to a bunch of different answers, depending on who you are. No matter which answer it is (and there’s no right or wrong – it’s YOUR goal), you want to identify your baseline motivation. What is it that you REALLY want? What do you hope losing weight will really get you in your life?

At the end of your “whys”, when you can’t go any further, that, my dear, is your goal. And not just your goal, but your future state of being [more on this later.]

So what else could we do? Get in touch with the WHY itself. Own it. Feel it. Take it on. It’s yours.

In order to truly own this “new state,” consider: What does it mean to you to feel better about your body? What do you want your body to look like? How do you want to feel about body? What things do you want your body to be capable of doing [running? Pushups? A pull-up? A marathon?)

Really think through these questions, and not just think – FEEL. Set aside some time to really imagine what it means to you. Get honest. Get personal. It’s just you; it’s your goal. Get really in touch with what it would feel like, and what it would look like. Get detailed. Be descriptive. Dream until you have a very clear picture in your head.

Then do what you need to do to keep that dream alive. Make a vision board. Make time to dream about it daily. Really get excited about it! Then, act as if you already have it. Go from “I want to attract a mate” to “I am attracting my ideal mate.” [This is your “new state”]

They say that resistance is one reason we don’t meet our goals. But no need to overcome resistance here, it’s your dream, you created it, you enjoy it, you are believing it and experiencing it.

This method will be easy for you if 1) You feel really passionately about this goal. 2) I mean, really passionately. You must really want it. 3) You are able to get a clear vision of what you want. This just requires time to dream. 4) You spend some time daily feeling and imagining that vision. This part is FUN! 5) Your behavior is aligned with your vision.

Now don’t worry too much about #5: Your behavior is aligned with your vision. This part comes naturally if you are synched up on #1-4.

If I’m fully embracing the thought that my body is fit and healthy and I feel vibrant and energetic, if I’m living that vision, when I make daily choices like pizza v. salad, or soda vs. a green smoothie, what do you think I will choose? Now, this doesn’t mean I will never mess up. But it means if I do choose pizza, I will work out that day or eat healthy all my other meals that day, because that’s what a fit, healthy, vibrant and energetic individual would do.

So dig deep to find out what you really want. Then dream it up big time. Every day, believe in your dream. Own your new version of yourself. Own the fit, active, healthy energetic being. Even if it’s daunting. Even if you’re tired. Even if it seems so far away. Promise yourself you will own it every day for the next 365 days.

[next… The Power of Writing Things Down…]