Boundaries. That’s a word you will typically hear from a therapist, an article in Psychology Today, or a book on relationships . Boundaries are the limits we put in place that define our relationships to others. Although pop psychology refers to boundaries in terms of relationships, boundaries are actually an important part of all of our relationships, from work to family to friends to complete strangers.
A needy friend. A pushy boss. A stranger who cuts in line at the grocery store. A co-worker who constantly interrupts you.
In each of these situations, having healthy boundaries is vital to maintaining your sense of self (and sanity!)
I recently noticed I was suffering from a lack of boundaries in my friendships. I was constantly saying yes, and agreeing to things I wasn’t necessarily 100% on board with, just to be the “nice” one. Deep inside, though, I was feeling frustrated, resentful, and angry — all without others even knowing!
That feeling of resentment was a warning sign that something was wrong. I realized I needed to set my boundaries more firmly, and address situations at the moment I felt my boundaries were violated. I decided was no longer willing to passively say yes and allow myself and my relationships to suffer as a result.
Having insufficient (or non-existent!) boundaries can catch up with us. Problems caused by lack of healthy boundaries can include low self-esteem, codependency, feeling guilt and resentment, feeling responsible for others, and blaming others.
In contrast, heaving healthy boundaries means having a high level of self-esteem, self confidence, self-respect, and having the ability to be assertive, while being respectful of others.
So how can you work on setting healthy boundaries and maintaining your sense of self?
- Know your own limits. You define your limits for yourself; no one else does. Spend some time thinking about what those limits are. Notice when you feel pushed too far. Notice when you may feel upset, uncomfortable, and resentful. (Resentment is a red flag!)
- Honor yourself. This means knowing deeply that you are a valuable and worthy person and that your opinions, ideas, beliefs, wants and needs matter — just as much as anyone else’s. This also means keeping yourself “full” and taken care of before taking care of others. (Put on your own mask first!)
- Speak up when your boundaries are violated. Learn how to speak up effectively. Study up on assertiveness. Practice asserting yourself in small ways to get used to doing it. Say “no” when you don’t want to do something. If you’re not sure and you need time to decide, say so.
- Practice. After starting small and feeling the effects of saying no and defining your boundaries, you’ll likely feel more comfortable approaching the larger issues.
- Remember you have no control over the reaction of others. What other people say is about them; what we hear is about us. Release your attachment to what others will think/say/feel when you enforce your boundaries. Your boundaries are about protecting yourself, and you are not responsible for someone else’s reaction.
Boundaries allow us to protect ourselves and our energy. They help us separate ourselves, our needs and beliefs from those of others. Boundaries allow us to take responsibility for ourselves, and stop taking responsibility for others. Boundaries allow for growth and intimacy, without co-dependency. Healthy boundaries are just that — they allow us to stay healthy, protect ourselves, and maintain our sense of self and self-worth.
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